Jealousy & Success

I don’t like the new kid in our class. His name is John Appleseed. He came into our school two weeks ago, but so far, he doesn’t look like such a great guy for me.

              The best word that describes him would be “nerdy.” Although his looks aren’t but he’s a rather good-looking guy on the outside. The only friend that he has to eat lunch with in the table in the corner of the cafeteria is his textbook. He moves his plastic silver wear with one hand while the other one flips the pages. He keeps his eyes glued on the book and never takes a glance at the food that he’s carrying into his mouth.

Plus, he’s really quiet. Therefore, he seriously didn’t have any friends. I’ve never seen his with anybody else in the hallways or in the classrooms. He’s always alone and silent.

Since his family name starts with an “A,” he’s the first name on our alphabetical name list and therefore sits in the very front seat in the first row from the right. I’m cater-cornered from his seat, which makes me look at him even more, although I don’ like him. However, I just can’t seem to keep my eyes away from his actions and his appearance. Why is this?

I hate him because he looks like he’s not interested in anything else that surrounds him. His classmates, the school itself… they just didn’t seem to be on his mind at all. He was always concentrating on himself and all the things that he does. That’s why he could concentrate so much in reading his textbook in the noisy cafeteria. Whenever he looks at his surroundings (which he barely does because he’s almost always busy reading his textbook), he looks as if they’re the lamest thing that he’s ever seen in his entire life. I don’t know if he’s really thinking so in his mind or not, but he sure is bothering me a lot with his cold eyes.

However, my friends don’t seem to hate him at all. They don’t pay attention to him a lot, but they think he’s alright. They say he looks cool when he’s reading his textbook, which is almost 24-7. I really couldn’t understand them. How can he, a guy that has the coldest eyes that I’ve ever seen, be an alright guy? I really didn’t understand them.

I really do hate him. I wish I would never see him in my school. However, for some reason, I just can’t keep my eyes off of him. I know he’s not attracting at all, and I know I hate him a lot myself. But, I just can’t stop looking at him, and I don’t know why. I guess I don’t understand myself either.

This confrontation of the two feelings within myself is bothering me a lot. I’m lost between the thought that I hate him with all my guts and the thought that he’s a very attracting guy for me. When I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore, I finally decided to talk to him. When he was all alone (which he is 100% of the times), I said, “Hey, how’s it going?”

Then, with a softer and kinder voice than I thought, he replied, “I’m doing good. How about you?”

“Alright,” I answered. “You getting used to your new school?”

“Kinda. I’m still feeling a little awkward in the classrooms though,” he said.

“Nah, don’t worry. You’ll get used to it before you notice,” I said, and waved good-bye to him to head to the next class.

              He was a lot nicer than I thought. He looks like he hates everything around him, but he was just an ordinary, pure guy. My hatred towards him had suddenly disappeared. In fact, I even wanted to become friends with him.

              So I sat next to him in English class. I guess I’m the first guy that sat with him in this school. When we finished the practice questions for the day, I asked him if he wanted to join a sports club of our team. He said he wanted to join the football club, which is the club that I’m in.

             So he came to the field behind our school after school was and joined a little bit of our practice. To tell the truth, he was really good. He said he had never played football, since he spent a lot of his life with his eyes on his textbooks. However, I couldn’t believe that he was a beginner. He could catch any ball that’s thrown at him – high or low. He could run as fast as the ace running back on our team. Plus, he’s got a huge motivation in his soul, so he’s willing to participate in any type of practice. On the first day, he was better than most of the people on our team. After practice, we changed in the locker room of the gymnasium. That’s when I saw that look: the look that makes him look like everything in the world is too easy for him. That made me feel like putting a distance in our relationship again.

              The next day, I sat away from him to see how he would react to it. However, he seemed like he didn’t care at all. He looked like he was fine all by himself. He didn’t even take a glance at me, even though I’m the only guy that tried to be nice to him ever since he came to this school. This was confusing me a lot, but I knew for sure that I was never going to talk to him or sit near him again.

              A few days went by, and I saw something that was the last thing I expected to see. I saw John walking with Emily, the girl that I had a crush on. She was the most beautiful and the most kind-hearted girl that I had ever seen in my life. If I was her boyfriend, I would’ve made her the happiest girl in the world. I imagined her being with me so much that I was beginning to think that it was possible for me to be her girlfriend. However, I realized that I was living in my dreams the moment I saw Emily walking, holding tightly to John’s arm.

              I didn’t know what I was thinking for a moment. I didn’t even feel anything the moment that I saw the two. I was just frozen in the middle of the hallway. I just stood their and felt the air brush me as they passed by. I saw that look: the easy-as-cake look on his face again. I stood there motionless and emotionless for a moment. Then I ran into the restroom and banged the door shut.

              I was in a terrible shock. It was probably the biggest shock that I’ve ever felt in a really long time. I was shocked from two things. One is that my dream girl was stolen by the guy that I hated. The other is that he didn’t care one bit even if I went away from him, but he chose to be with somebody else. It hurt my feelings a lot. It felt like the guy that I was boxing against had a really long arm that went all the way behind me and punch me in the back of my head. Twice.


              From my experience, I always had this kind of person in my life, wherever I went. I’ve felt this way so many times that I decided to not care about those kinds of people at all. I’ve got to admit that I hated him and was jealous of him at the same time. However, I am myself, and nothing is going to change that. He/she may be good at everything including sports and schoolwork, but I have my own way of succeeding, and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of myself, and I don’t care who it is that tries to bother me, because I’m going to get he/she out of my mind very quickly. I’ll keep my eyes on my own prize, because I can only get it by running my own race.


About masaya2

I'm a Japanese high school student living in Japan who likes to read and write in English.
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